How to Forgive Yourself for the Parent You Couldn’t Be

Stephanja .Ahumada
Mar 8
5 min read

For every parent that wishes they could back and redo it all, this is for you.

I remember it vividly. Kneeling over on the floor of my bedroom at 18, I placed my hand on my pregnant belly and prayed, “God, please help me be a perfect mom.”

When my first child was born, I looked down at his tiny frame, and when I realized the magnitude of the responsibility that lay in my hands, I was instantly consumed with feelings of unworthiness and guilt. I remember saying to him, “I’m so sorry.” I’m so sorry that you have me for a mom.

I would spend the next years striving, pushing myself, obsessing over trying to be the best mom I could be. I would exhaust myself only to fall short and then hate myself for it. I never gave myself a day off, no free passes, no excuses, and no grace.

And what did I have to show for it? I still wasn’t good enough.

I have explained parenthood like this:

It’s like a test you study your whole life for, can’t wait to take, and do all the prep work for. You work your tail off, go in as prepared as you possibly could, pay attention to every detail, and pour your entire heart and soul out, giving literally all you have—

And at best, you get a C.

The Weight of Remorse

I often hear, especially from people who came to the faith later in their parenting journey, “I just wish I had raised them with what I know now.”

There are many reasons for us to live burdened by remorse and regret and it can happen whether your child is 5 or 55.

So how do we deal with our mess-ups?

Well, as a recovering perfectionist who is convinced that no one could have tried harder than me, I want to share what I learned.

1. You will never be good enough.

News flash! I hate to start off negatively, but let’s just get this out of the way now. God is the only one who is perfect. Everyone “knows” this, but few are able to conceptualize what that means.

For example, if I say, “No one is perfect,” a person may think of taking the wrong turn on the way to work and being a little late. That’s a “safe” imperfection they can accept. But if I say you will not be able to be everything your child needs… Can you handle that?

Sometimes you will not be enough, not know the answer, or not do it correctly even if you do know the right answer. You will not be the full package. You will not have a perfect record. You will not always have the right response. You will make mistakes.

You could strive to get one thing right, only to look back and realize you missed a different angle or another issue you never even considered. Like a man who is raised poor and works hard to provide for his family but, in turn, doesn’t spend as much family time with his kids. Or a parent who puts their kid in private school to raise them in a better environment, but the child becomes judgmental and spoiled. Any good thing can have trade-offs.

Even if you had been Christian when you had your kids, even if you never got divorced, even if you knew what you know now, even if you had done “that” thing right.. There would have been something else you lacked in or messed up.

Is that a wash-all for every mistake? No. Of course, there are serious mistakes that we wish we could undo. I’m simply stating that regardless, we all depend on God to help our kids turn out the way they should. And that brings me to my next point:

2. God is the one driving the ship. He will make it land.

There is no guaranteed human recipe for success. But there is something that is sure, and it’s God. God promises us that no one who trusts in Him will be disappointed. He promises that all things turn around for good for those who trust in Him. And He tells us that actually, in our weakness, He is made strong.

That means that where you stop, He starts. What you can’t do, He comes in with His presence and fills the rest.

You can’t give those kids a father?

You can’t get them into the school you wanted?

You can’t give them the house you wanted them to grow up in?

You don’t know how to be physically affectionate?

You don’t know how to teach them discipline?

You don’t know how to talk to them about God?

You do what you can, and God will do the rest.

God is the only one who can truly make your kids turn out right, and He doesn’t need all the pieces we think He does.

So you screwed up and were a bad example to your kids? Let God change you, and the transformation in your life will be so impressive that your kids will have stronger faith than they would have had before.

God is never limited by our story. There is nothing irreversible for Him. There is nothing He can’t use to actually make our kids turn out better. His favorite way of defeating the enemy is by turning Satan's bad plans upside down and causing the opposite happen!

The next time you are concerned over a failure, or don’t feel smart enough or strong enough— stop right there and invite God in. Let him fill the empty places with Himself. Trust that the story doesn’t have to look like a fairytale for it to have the happily ever after. God works miracles every single day for those who trust in Him and obey Him.

3. Forgive yourself. Because you are human too.

I find it ironic that God is literally perfect and was a perfect Father to Israel, and yet they rebelled against Him time and time again.

Even the best parents have kids with free will. Two kids raised in the same home can make completely different choices. Even the great heroes of the Bible had messed up kids. So take the burden of your kid’s salvation off of yourself.

If you are always chasing God, He will always meet you where you are at. You can’t be perfect, but you can choose to give him all of your heart, devotion, and obedience to the best of your ability and He will perfect your path.

You are the best parent you can be when you are resting in your own Father’s love, grace, and acceptance. Isaiah 40:11 says,

“He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.”

You are God’s lamb who He is holding close to his heart, and you are also the mother sheep that He gently leads. You are never alone nor ever unloved.