Brace Yourselves, The Kids Are Dating-Age. This Is How I Talk to Mine About Sex.

He said he wanted to talk... When my life stopped passing before my eyes and the nausea subsided, I knew I had to get this next conversation right.

“Uh.. mom. So, I like a girl.”

Last words I heard until I recovered from my blackout, my face stopped twitching, and my stomach stopped turning.

Look, I knew the day would come, but I was I guess hoping he would write me a letter and let me process my grief alone for a few weeks before we had to talk? Instead, I was cornered in the car and expected to act normal. (A trait which I have failed to master, regrettably.)

I am raising three boys and I have had this topic in the back of my head for at least a decade. I’ve tried to talk to my kids about relationships in general in age appropriate ways at each stage. I think I’ve done a pretty good job up until now. But this past year, I am like 0-7 with the sex talks. I think both me and the kids are going to need PTSD counseling or amnesia therapy. (Do they make that?)

I just didn’t think it would be that hard. My face freezes, I can’t move my mouth, I can’t find the words and I end up saying something stupid. Then I get myself all hyped up, prepare with a list of things I’m going to cover, march in their room to “talk” and end up making a bigger mess than before. The last time my son finally said “Can we stop now?” and I blurted out, almost pleading, “Let’s never do this again.”

So, with full transparency that I would rather write my kids a book than talk to them face to face about this, I want to share some of the things we got right or at least my views on some of the topics.

People may differ, and some points might be a topic of preference, but I believe that as parents the more we talk about how to talk about these hard things, the more we can help each other find the way!

Things we got right (I hope):

1. Never be ashamed of the way God designed you.

I remember at work years ago someone with different beliefs than me asked me, “So what would you do if you caught your son watching porn?”

I took a second to think before I responded, but I knew instinctively the answer.

“I would want him to know that he shouldn’t feel ashamed of being attracted to women, or having a natural desire for…you know…He should never feel dirty or sinful about that. But I want him to meet those needs in the right way, in the right time, so that they are good for him and not bad.”

For whatever reason, this has been really important to me early on. I hear stories all the time about boys in extremely religious homes hiding, feeling ashamed, and feeling dirty for something that not a single man on this planet can stop from happening in their body and shouldn’t want to— Or do we think that God made something bad?

So if a guy looks at a girl and gets turned on, that’s normal. By itself, it’s not “carnal” or “fleshly” or “lustful". We must separate the natural desires and sexual function God created for mankind from lust and sin, because there is a distinction.

I believe that healthy sexuality and healthy sex starts with an affirmation and love of the human design God created. This does not mean that we can just give into immorality or licentiousness, but sometimes we go so hard to explain to them what sin is that we don’t leave any room left for what is actually just… normal? And good.

Sexuality is deeply connected to our sense of identity. What your child thinks about their sexuality will affect what they think about themselves as a person. Don't let secular narratives be the only ones that speak about this. He or she must believe that their sexuality is good, not bad, and comes from God, or else they will not be able to be a healthy partner in Godly intimacy within a marriage. This is the starting place.

2. There is a season and time for everything.

So you tell your 13 year old that God created him with natural desires. The next question would be, then why can’t he do what he wants now? This gets anchored into what we believe about sex, and I have many things to say on this. But this is one aspect I told my kids:

When I was 12, I started my period. I had the physical capabilities to bear a child. All I ever wanted was to be a mom. I felt the natural inclination and desire to hold babies, mother them, etc etc. But that didn’t mean that it was the season of life for me to act upon those God-given desires.

This is really good for when you have to tell your kids “no” to things that regard relationships. It's not that the thing is bad, it’s that is not the time for it yet.

I want my children to be intentional about their lives and choose wisely when it’s the right time to take important steps. The opposite of that would be just letting life happen to them and managing the consequences.

Good things, God things, are worth waiting for and doing the right way.

I want my kids to know that it’s more than just, “Don’t do this because it’s bad and that will make you bad!”

Instead, I want them to feel so valued that they wouldn’t want to short-sell their life or anything precious in it (and physical intimacy is a precious thing) by not treating it with the respect it deserves. They are worth more and their lives are worth more to me.

This framing builds them up, makes them feel valued, and gives them some level of control over their own life, as opposed to shaming them into submission or fear.

3. Age matters.

We did not allow our children to “date” as pre-teens. My three oldest are boys, so we have talked about this somewhat differently than we might when my girls start to date (at the age of 45, of course). I told my boys very early on that if they weren’t old enough to take care of themselves, they weren’t old enough for a girlfriend.

My personal belief: You better have your own car and your own money, or else you don’t have a “girlfriend”, you have a friend that your mom brings you to see on play dates.

But in the grander scheme of things, I have explained to them that relationships are designed to find someone to spend your life with. If you aren’t close to getting old enough for that type of commitment, you aren’t ready yet. And as boys, I expect them to consider the responsibility of taking care of another person when starting a family.

No, I don’t expect them have to have a 401k or own their own home before they ask a girl out, but they need to be cognizant of where the road is intended to lead. Perhaps at least being legally old enough to work is a start.

People have different preferences on this, and each family should do what is right for them. I simply wanted my kids to always see relationships as something sacred and a commitment not to be taken lightly. I didn’t want it to be common or playful.

That doesn’t mean that I want them to marry the first girl they date or take it too seriously. I just don’t want relationships to be disposable or common to them.

The human soul is the most precious thing that God has created. Each person is irreplaceable to Him. I never want them to treat another person’s love lightly, and I want them to cherish the privilege of having someone share themselves with them.

With such a lack of honor and commitment in our culture today, I think we can give our kids a big head start by simply setting a standard of expectation concerning relationships and saying, “No kids allowed.”

4. There’s more to sex that what culture says.

This is the obvious, of course, but there is too much on this topic that I could fit in this blog. (More to come!) The main thing is that you as a parent need to know what you believe about sex. You can’t guide them unless your anchor is secure, and this topic is too important to be vague.

Talk about it a lot. I don’t have all the answers myself, but we talk about it often. When I see something in social media or a movie that misrepresents sexuality or intimacy between a man and a woman, I call it out and we talk about it. This sometimes can seem like a constant thing in the society we live in, but it has to be done.

Don’t bring it up in a shaming, aggressive way—it’s an opportunity to converse about a really important subject and help them find answers for why they believe what they do. We have talked about sex, sexuality, cultural beliefs, and messages being sent in media in so many different ways and from every different angle, as soon as it comes up, and every time it comes up.

That way, at least I know that I’ve given them the tools to make their own decisions. More importantly, I feel confident that they are prepared for whatever lies the enemy will confront them with, because I have already debunked them with them. We are raising a generation of the next Christians of America. They need to know what they believe and why.

I may not be good at talking about the anatomy and details, but I am really good at picking something off that I see in a social media ad and simply saying, “Let me tell you why I don’t agree with this.”

Sometimes they talk back, sometimes they just listen. But every time, I know they are thinking. I think when they look back, they will cherish the conversations we had growing up. That’s how it should be— not forceful of condemning, just family exploring the truth and making it safe to ask questions and discuss.

Lastly…

So what did I tell my son specifically about his girlfriend? Well, I could write a whole different post about the things I said wrong, how long it took me to recover from my blunders, and the practical advice I gave him when I finally came to.

But one thing that I told him is this: He will have to decide for himself what he believes about sex. I’m here to guide him and while he lives under my roof, he will follow my rules. But one day he will be on his own, and on that day a set of rules won’t be enough. So I hope that our conversations and a relationship with God will help him form convictions of his own that are not based in shame or fear, but in love for God’s ways and a strong sense of self value.

I want him to have the very best life with all the good things, and I know that’s what God wants for him too.

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Mom hack: Now you don't even need all your kids to look at the same time for a pic. Just choose one where you look good, and blur their faces out in the name of "privacy". Super mom.