Congratulations, You Said One Dumb Thing. Now Relive It Forever.

It's not a full day until I've replayed that awkward conversation 16,000 times in my head.

It happened again. Another day where I get in the car, go home, and torment myself over something small that I said in a casual, nonimportant conversation. I’m done. 

I refused to live tormented by things I've said, awkward moments, or whatever else it may be. There has to be a better way.

What is the guaranteed way to always say the right thing? If I could find it, I would never have to worry again. 

But if I had a guaranteed way to always say the right thing, would I even know it? What if there was a time I said the right thing, but my conscience still betrayed me? Who or what even determines what is right?

Striving for perfection is not the way to avoid rejection. I believe it actually has the potential to make a person chronically dysfunctional. It’s a long, scary climb down the mountain of perceived perfection once you’ve perched there. Can you imagine after years of sculpting a flawless and impenetrable persona, to actually let the cracks break and seep out the real, dysfunctional you?  Only a really brave and strong person could endure it.  

So what can I do? I can’t be perfect, but I can’t seem to bear my imperfect-ness. I came here for one simple answer… How can I not replay over and over again in my head some silly thing that I said or answered wrong or stumbled over myself with?

The way I see it, there is only one cure: Acceptance.

I have to accept myself and that I will not always say the right thing. I will not always portray the perfect image. I will be quirky and sometimes wrong. Sometimes, I’ll sound dumb. Sometimes, I’ll give the wrong answer. Sometimes I’ll be “too much”. Sometimes I’ll be annoying. But those little moments will just be flecks of humanity showing through, uniting us all with the same chronic illness that we share— imperfection. 

No one can avoid these moments. The quicker I give myself grace, the quicker I will be to recover and move on, and the healthier and more sound-minded I will be to act wholefully and well balanced in the future. Self-applied grace is actually the only thing I have found to help me lessen the awkwardness. There is no one as functional as someone full and satisfied on love, so fill your cup up. 

Also, let's just make a pact right here and now: Let's never judge another person by the way they act in an insecure moment. Humans can be wildly misleading. Perhaps, they regard you so highly that they just don’t know how to act right around you. But next time you see someone confident and at rest, notice that when humans feel most accepted, they are their best versions of themselves.

Rest... What a powerful word... Rest in the special, loved person that you are. 

These are some scriptures that have helped me:

It is the Lord who goes before me. He will be with me, he will not leave me or forsake me. Deuteronomy 31:8 God goes before me. Before that awkward moment and before that thing I say.  He knows every mistake I will make before I make it. He keeps me protected in His hand. Before I have even made a mistake, He has already taken it into account and created a solution for it. He promises to turn everything around for good. 

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 1 John 4:18  When I allow God’s perfect love to fill me up, I’m not afraid of being rejected by others. 

The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe. Proverbs 29:25 The fear of man, including their rejection, is a trap that continues to trap me into the very thing I don’t want. But trusting in God to help me be the person I need to be keeps me safe. 

In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the fiery darts of the evil one. Ephesians 6:14-17 Faith combats the accusations of the enemy. Have faith that God that made you as a masterpiece, with the right personality, as someone He adores.

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